It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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