Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
