hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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