im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
