i barfeds in our rink
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize