I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
