The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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