The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
