Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
