I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
