Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
