I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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