My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
