I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
