Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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