I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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