Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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