why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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