If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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