God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
