Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
