I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
