Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My ATM looks so different sober.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
