Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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