My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
