here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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