Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
