After last night, I could never be a politician.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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