Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
