I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
