He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
