So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
