I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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