the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
