two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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