Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Shame - the story of my life.
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