So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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