rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
