just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just forgot I was standing up.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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