she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
