i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
