I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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