i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
