I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
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I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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