Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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