So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
