there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
