1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
