he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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