It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i will never coherently bang her
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
