you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
