Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
