I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
